‘things overheard @ my school’ starter pack
- “She’s such an intellectual — she reads her porn.”
- “This isn’t Sense and Sensibility, it’s fucking Snapchat, chill out.”
- “I can’t remember the last time I ate a vegetable.”
- “What? Sorry I can’t hear you with my sunglasses on.”
- “I killed a moth with a selfie stick yesterday.”
- “Fucking a poet must be amazing.”
- “I would suck anything to be verified on Twitter.”
- “The only vegetable I eat is Guacamole.”
- “What did you guys eat while I was unconscious?”
- “Handjobs are like the above-ground swimming pools of sexual activities.”
- “If we’re snowed in, let’s organize an orgy for our floor. A snow floor orgy. A snoflorgy.”
- “Up until a few years ago I thought misogynist was another word for masseuse.”
- “I want my wedding to be bagel themed.”
- “She literally has everything a girl could want…except a personality.”
- “I’m gonna turn this workaholic into an alcoholic.”
- “Is crack organic?”
- “You look really good with a mustache. You don’t look like a pedophile at all.”
- “Love is pretty much the ability to talk about your digestive system with another person.”
- “I fucking love Tinder. Whenever I want a study break, I just whip out my phone and judge 100 people.”
- “So today I ripped a hole in my lace underwear while picking a wedgie.”
- “Are you flexing your boob right now?”
- “I have to Instagram the snow so my friends at home will think I do more than go to clubs.”
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“I can’t imagine anyone who would want to put up with me. I put up with me only because I have to.”
- “This just heated up my scrotum to an extent you won’t believe.”
- “Why are you ‘throwing shade’ at me? Are you a fucking palm tree?”
- “Seriously. I’m wearing knee high stockings. It shouldn’t be this hard to get laid.”
- “I’m growing my pubes out so I look more like a Game of Thrones character down there.”
- “They should redesign the American flag because it’s so hard to draw 50 stars in elementary school.”
- “ABC, man. Always be cute.”
- “I can’t give you like professional advice. But I can give you advice based on my life, which is: fuck anything and everything.”
- “Wait. You guys have class? On Fridays? I thought that shit was a myth.”
- “Look at that dog chasing that stick. If I were a dog, I’d chase a stick like that too. But all I’m chasing here are my broken dreams.”